Tag: anxiety

The struggle is real

Living as an introvert with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)

Why am I always fighting this? This anxiety? The bullying? The abuse? This sick feeling in my throat? The tingling arms and legs? The never-ending fatigue? The conclusion that life is too much and the only way out is not to be awake? If I am asleep, then I don’t feel any of it? The feeling of dread? The feeling I am here for everyone to use and take advantage of until they don’t need me anymore. The feeling that I am so unimportant to every person who has ever been part of my life.

People just seem to want to forget me; to think I am not valuable to them. To be around only until my use to them is over. Until they are bored with me? They create the problem then walk away because they figure now it’s my problem and they don’t want to deal. Leave me traumatized, afraid, angry, and hurt – but still want more out of me. But do not want to deal with my boundaries in the meantime. Do not want to deal with the inconvenience of it in their lives. But they did it! They created this mess! I keep having to clean up after these irresponsible people. After every storm, I clean up alone. Because they leave me. Leave me now that I am empty. Leave me now that it’s my problem. Leave me because it’s too hard for them. Well this time, it’s too hard for me too.

One too many times I’ve been here feeling beaten to a pulp and abandoned like I’m worth nothing. After all the days I have dragged myself through. After all the hours and days and weeks of overtime. After I became like them for a while until one day I woke up saying–“No, this is not me!” If I need to be like this to survive here then no. Is it just the people and situations I unwittingly attract? Why then do I attract these people and situations? I want to tell someone about this but I am afraid they will judge me further. I am in therapy, which is great, but I still feel the fear all the time.

I feel like I am clinging to the will to live. I have no idea where this will end up and that scares me so much. What if they still ignore me? I am afraid. I am so very afraid that I will lose everything. Everything. Myself included. I’m clinging on but I don’t know how much longer I can until I make a decision. I want to resign from my stressful job. But then what?

How the Japanese Art of Kintsugi Reminds Us of Our Value

I’ve always found the Japanese culture simply fascinating. They have such a

disciplined and respectful nature. Also, they have an incredible knack for making everything beautiful. I mean look at their gardens!  Today, I want to focus on the Japanese art of Kintsugi.

When a dish or plate breaks do the Japanese throw it away? No, they piece it back together using liquid gold or silver. They work to save the ceramic piece. They make it whole again and honor the broken places. The result is an entirely new plate, dish, or vase. An entirely unique piece of art. There is respect for what it once was, respect in the repair, and respect in the final piece. And where there was perhaps a beautiful vase, there is now an even more beautiful vase. The vase, even though it experienced a period of brokenness, was always valuable. The Japanese demonstrate such an ability for patience and recognition that while something is in need of repair, it is still worthy of respect and love.

If the Japanese take this much care with an inanimate object, imagine the kind of care they practice with each other. With themselves! I think they truly practice mindfulness from birth.

When we experience bouts of anxiety and depression, we feel a bit broken. Because we are. We are working through a period of illness. During these times we often feel less worthy than those who do not experience these challenges. Yet,  maybe we could take the perspective we just need a bit of self-care–liquid gold!

While we repair remember to focus on self-love and know that, yes, we are most definitely worthy! Each time we bring ourselves through this repair, we are creating a more unique and beautiful version of ourselves.            -Namaste