Tag: Letting Go

Understanding Ahimsa: Compassion for Yourself and Others at Work

I had a situation arise at work recently. Through several peoples’ misunderstandings and confusion, an error occurred. An error which could affect someone else. The error was discovered and now we are in the process of unravelling it, correcting it, reporting it, and waiting for the fall out. There may well be no harm at the end of the line but I don’t think we know that right now. I keep praying that there will be no harm to this patient.

I was one of the confused along the way. What if, as a result of my confusion, this person is harmed? “What kind of ahimsa is that?” is something I’ve been asking myself all morning. How do I fix this for the harmed person? I’ve been beating myself up and questioning my place at work and generally spiraling all day. Of course one fear is that I will be blamed solely for the mistake. But then there were two others involved so it is not just me. We all share in the responsibility right? Why do I keep thinking it’s all on me?

I need to forgive myself and my part in the mistake. I do my best at work and am conscientious. I take the work seriously and take pride in my work. Yet why am I expecting myself to be perfect? Expecting that “I should have known”. Why am I now thinking “Well next time, I’m not going to trust the other two in another situation”?

In Judith Lasater’s Living Your Yoga, there is a chapter on Self-Judgement. In reading this chapter, I realize that I’ve been judging myself rather harshly today. I need to be more compassionate to myself and remember we have all – myself included – been under an awful lot of pressure at work. All of us – myself included – have way too busy. Why should I expect to not be affected even if others are? I am as human as anyone else. I don’t consciously think of myself as better than them so why am I judging myself way more than I am judging them?

In yoga, we practice. We keep trying. At work, it seems we are held to impossible expectations. Mistakes are made because we are human. We are judged harshly by the system with paper-work and reports on what we did wrong. But in essence, we are still practicing humans with other things going on in our lives, in our hearts, and in our minds. They say mistakes are “opportunities to learn” but I’m not sure I believe that and feel judged anyway. All this harsh judgment on the job spills over into our selves. We hold ourselves to impossible standards all the time. And end up judging ourselves way too harshly far too often.

When I initially thought about Ahimsa and how I had actually contributed to harming this patient, I was initially looking for a way to redeem myself with this person. Someone I don’t know, haven’t met, and will never talk to. However, it looks like the practice that I need is with self-compassion. I am doing my best. I am committed to my job when I am there. I am not a robot though. I am not programmed to never make a mistake, or go to never go down the wrong thought process. The system may be broken, but the people building the system are also human.

So as I head to work tonight – even with the heavy heart of knowing someone may have been harmed – I have to let go of the self-harming thoughts. It is not going to help anyway. And how can I be compassionate with my teammates if I am not compassionate with myself?

I am choosing to let go of self-judgement today. Hopefully, practicing self-compassion will ripple out into Ahimsa for all of us involved. I really pray it does.

You’re stronger than you think

The last two weeks have been hard for me. I finally realized I was in a horrible relationship with my mental health provider. Ultimately, my life should improve now that they are no longer in my life. So the hard times will hopefully lead to an easier future.

As an introvert with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), I have been meeting with a psychiatrist about three or four times a year. I have never really liked him that much but he understands the medications very well so I’ve been ignoring my gut. (Will I ever learn?! ). I put up with his rude and unprofessional office staff. I put up with him consistently being late to start my appointments. I also put up with some questionable comments he made during some my appointments. I unfortunately put up with these types of things for around five years. That on it’s own concerns me – the time it took me to get how bad things were. But better late than never right?

Work stress has amped up over the last few months; I have additional responsibilities. My GAD symptoms were getting a little out of control so I thought that I would apply for intermittent FMLA as a safety net. I sent this psychiatrist some forms to fill out with a brief explanation as to why I needed it. I figured in the grand scheme of things, I was asking for very little. I am very high-functioning and usually push myself to work through the symptoms but some days it gets tough when job stresses don’t let up. I really hide my GAD well. People have no idea about my internal struggles. I don’t talk about it much. All looks well on the surface.

So, I waited, and waited for about two weeks for a response. No word from him. I eventually called his office and I was told all they could do was text him to let him know there were patient messages. The office representative also added “If he responds he does, and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t!” I mean what kind of thing is that to say to a patient?! He eventually responded saying that FMLA is only for serious, ongoing illnesses. Excuse me? Did he not diagnose me with GAD? Has he not prescribed medication for me to take? Have I not been to about 20 follow-up appointments over the last five years? This kind of contradictory messaging to a patient lacks empathy and could be harmful. It has been two months since my last appointment so how did he know how I was actually doing? I sent him two messages in response but have yet to hear from him. That was over a week ago. He is ignoring a patient who is asking for help. A patient who rarely even does ask for help, might I add.

Throughout all this, my anxiety was flaring but I needed to keep a level head. I had several people and organizations to reach out to. I had complaints to file with the state medical board. That, and to still go to work in a busy patient testing lab. No shortage of stress. Somehow, I kept it together. Somehow I remained as strong as I could. It was mentioned to me that I should be proud of how I stood up for myself and asked for better care and for the bad care to stop. I have finally cut ties with that practice. I am scheduled to meet with someone new very soon.

I am grateful for those who helped me through this time. In speaking with one of my friends, I mentioned I needed some time out to watch a few episodes of my all-time favorite show Heartland.
She said “You know what Jack would tell you?”
“What?” I said.
“You’re stronger than you think.”

My reality of living with GAD is that I feel weak. I feel like I am struggling with micro-problems; problems that wouldn’t even phase others. But my nervous system can’t seem to tell the difference. Even when my mind can, my body still reacts. I still feel nauseous, have lumps in my throat, and feel like hiding. I cry in frustration behind closed doors. I’m constantly exhausted and feel like I’m drowning. I think I’ve made myself high-functioning because I’m ashamed of the GAD and I don’t want to seem different, less than, or incompetent. I don’t feel like people get it. So I push and struggle and try to act as normal as possible. While I do understand how regular people don’t get my struggles, I cannot, for the life of me, understand how a mental health provider appears to have no clue.

With GAD the struggle is real for those of us living with it. A lot of us appear normal on the surface but we are struggling like crazy just under the surface. Like synchronized swimmers who look happy and calm but are kicking like crazy to stay afloat.

All this to say, if you also struggle with GAD: You’re stronger than you think.

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Photo: AKP Photography