Tag: mental-health

Practicing Loving Kindness: Transforming Self-Criticism

In talking with my new mental health provider last week, the topic of self-judgement came up in our conversation. It seems as though I have a very difficult relationship with myself. I mean, if I make mistakes, or do something embarrassing, I tend to beat myself up a bit. She suggested that I read a book called, I Hate Myself: Overcome Self-Hatred and Realize Why You’re Wrong About You by Dr. Blaise Aguirre. Maybe it’s an interesting read but the idea that I hate myself is a little extreme. Isn’t it?

Yes, I grew up with controlling and critical parents. It seems that love was pretty conditional. It depended on the right behavior, the right grades, how we made them look to society. My sister was the smart one, the one who skipped a grade, the one who was good at math. I was quiet, I was shy, I was not good at math. I was compared to my sister a lot. Teachers told my mother that I day-dreamed. That was considered a bad thing. Being myself seemed like not enough. So I figured I could not be myself and also be loved. Weirdly enough, she did say on very rare occasions that I should just be myself. Then, of course, I would be very confused. So I changed how I was and sometimes it seemed like it worked and sometimes it didn’t. I just kept trying to morph into someone worthy of approval that would never come. I guess that was how my GAD came to be part of me.

And when I started dating I had no idea who I was. I hated dating and being in relationships because I felt even more like I had to change and adapt into someone I thought would be lovable. And most of the time, it was a guy who was not at all appropriate for me anyway. But did I realize that? No. I always thought that something was wrong with me.

Another book recommended to me was Unwinding Anxiety by Dr. Judson Brewer. I listened to the book on Audible over the last week or so. I really liked his idea of practicing Loving Kindness. I think this speaks to me as someone who practices yoga. It’s a mindfulness practice that can be used as a meditation. First you practice Loving Kindness with yourself by repeating a few phrases:

May I be safe.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I accept myself just as I am.

So, I’ve started trying to repeat these phrases to myself – especially when I am having a hard time at work – or if I feel criticized or judged by someone or myself. Eventually, you practice by including other people in the phrases.

To be honest, just being aware of how much I have been judging myself over the years has impacted my life quite a bit over the last few weeks. I feel like I can finally stop striving and beating myself up all the time. It really is OK to be myself, to make mistakes, and just take it easy. I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to worry about whether people love me if I did or did not do something right. As long as I am OK with me then it doesn’t matter. Not that this is easy. It is after all a mindfulness practice.

I wish I knew how hard I was being on myself all these years. I wish I realized how much I was chasing approval to feel loved. I wish I had felt worthy of love just for being me and being alive. My parents gave me everything I needed to survive in life. I am grateful for that of course. I just wish they had been a bit warmer. A bit more sensitive to my own sensitivity. But they weren’t so I now have to learn to accept me for me and have patience and compassion for myself no matter what I do.

May I accept myself just as I am.

Photo by Max Vakhtbovycn on Pexels.com

Understanding Ahimsa: Compassion for Yourself and Others at Work

I had a situation arise at work recently. Through several peoples’ misunderstandings and confusion, an error occurred. An error which could affect someone else. The error was discovered and now we are in the process of unravelling it, correcting it, reporting it, and waiting for the fall out. There may well be no harm at the end of the line but I don’t think we know that right now. I keep praying that there will be no harm to this patient.

I was one of the confused along the way. What if, as a result of my confusion, this person is harmed? “What kind of ahimsa is that?” is something I’ve been asking myself all morning. How do I fix this for the harmed person? I’ve been beating myself up and questioning my place at work and generally spiraling all day. Of course one fear is that I will be blamed solely for the mistake. But then there were two others involved so it is not just me. We all share in the responsibility right? Why do I keep thinking it’s all on me?

I need to forgive myself and my part in the mistake. I do my best at work and am conscientious. I take the work seriously and take pride in my work. Yet why am I expecting myself to be perfect? Expecting that “I should have known”. Why am I now thinking “Well next time, I’m not going to trust the other two in another situation”?

In Judith Lasater’s Living Your Yoga, there is a chapter on Self-Judgement. In reading this chapter, I realize that I’ve been judging myself rather harshly today. I need to be more compassionate to myself and remember we have all – myself included – been under an awful lot of pressure at work. All of us – myself included – have way too busy. Why should I expect to not be affected even if others are? I am as human as anyone else. I don’t consciously think of myself as better than them so why am I judging myself way more than I am judging them?

In yoga, we practice. We keep trying. At work, it seems we are held to impossible expectations. Mistakes are made because we are human. We are judged harshly by the system with paper-work and reports on what we did wrong. But in essence, we are still practicing humans with other things going on in our lives, in our hearts, and in our minds. They say mistakes are “opportunities to learn” but I’m not sure I believe that and feel judged anyway. All this harsh judgment on the job spills over into our selves. We hold ourselves to impossible standards all the time. And end up judging ourselves way too harshly far too often.

When I initially thought about Ahimsa and how I had actually contributed to harming this patient, I was initially looking for a way to redeem myself with this person. Someone I don’t know, haven’t met, and will never talk to. However, it looks like the practice that I need is with self-compassion. I am doing my best. I am committed to my job when I am there. I am not a robot though. I am not programmed to never make a mistake, or go to never go down the wrong thought process. The system may be broken, but the people building the system are also human.

So as I head to work tonight – even with the heavy heart of knowing someone may have been harmed – I have to let go of the self-harming thoughts. It is not going to help anyway. And how can I be compassionate with my teammates if I am not compassionate with myself?

I am choosing to let go of self-judgement today. Hopefully, practicing self-compassion will ripple out into Ahimsa for all of us involved. I really pray it does.