Tag: self-care

Practicing Loving Kindness: Transforming Self-Criticism

In talking with my new mental health provider last week, the topic of self-judgement came up in our conversation. It seems as though I have a very difficult relationship with myself. I mean, if I make mistakes, or do something embarrassing, I tend to beat myself up a bit. She suggested that I read a book called, I Hate Myself: Overcome Self-Hatred and Realize Why You’re Wrong About You by Dr. Blaise Aguirre. Maybe it’s an interesting read but the idea that I hate myself is a little extreme. Isn’t it?

Yes, I grew up with controlling and critical parents. It seems that love was pretty conditional. It depended on the right behavior, the right grades, how we made them look to society. My sister was the smart one, the one who skipped a grade, the one who was good at math. I was quiet, I was shy, I was not good at math. I was compared to my sister a lot. Teachers told my mother that I day-dreamed. That was considered a bad thing. Being myself seemed like not enough. So I figured I could not be myself and also be loved. Weirdly enough, she did say on very rare occasions that I should just be myself. Then, of course, I would be very confused. So I changed how I was and sometimes it seemed like it worked and sometimes it didn’t. I just kept trying to morph into someone worthy of approval that would never come. I guess that was how my GAD came to be part of me.

And when I started dating I had no idea who I was. I hated dating and being in relationships because I felt even more like I had to change and adapt into someone I thought would be lovable. And most of the time, it was a guy who was not at all appropriate for me anyway. But did I realize that? No. I always thought that something was wrong with me.

Another book recommended to me was Unwinding Anxiety by Dr. Judson Brewer. I listened to the book on Audible over the last week or so. I really liked his idea of practicing Loving Kindness. I think this speaks to me as someone who practices yoga. It’s a mindfulness practice that can be used as a meditation. First you practice Loving Kindness with yourself by repeating a few phrases:

May I be safe.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I accept myself just as I am.

So, I’ve started trying to repeat these phrases to myself – especially when I am having a hard time at work – or if I feel criticized or judged by someone or myself. Eventually, you practice by including other people in the phrases.

To be honest, just being aware of how much I have been judging myself over the years has impacted my life quite a bit over the last few weeks. I feel like I can finally stop striving and beating myself up all the time. It really is OK to be myself, to make mistakes, and just take it easy. I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to worry about whether people love me if I did or did not do something right. As long as I am OK with me then it doesn’t matter. Not that this is easy. It is after all a mindfulness practice.

I wish I knew how hard I was being on myself all these years. I wish I realized how much I was chasing approval to feel loved. I wish I had felt worthy of love just for being me and being alive. My parents gave me everything I needed to survive in life. I am grateful for that of course. I just wish they had been a bit warmer. A bit more sensitive to my own sensitivity. But they weren’t so I now have to learn to accept me for me and have patience and compassion for myself no matter what I do.

May I accept myself just as I am.

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Lessons from yoga: the power of No

In my yoga class this morning, our guide commended us on our practice observing that we were all modifying and prioritizing our bodies where we needed to. This, she said, was the sign of advanced practitioners. The class was a challenging one, I had to modify several times. Essentially saying “No” to pushing my body too far in certain poses. The studio offers all of us a safe place to say “No” to certain directions when our bodies are telling us not to push. Maybe somedays we do, maybe somedays we don’t. Maybe we push for some poses; maybe we ease off on others. The option of choosing health, of non-harming, of ahimsa, means we are saying “No” to injury and possibly harming ourselves. We approach our practice with self-love.

I am currently trying to say “No” in several work situations. Unfortunately, many job expectations are harming to our mental and emotional health. For me, I struggle deeply with my GAD. Still, on most days, I push myself and find in many cases that all was eventually OK. However, I currently find myself trying to train a difficult and incompetent individual. I have spoken at length about this with my supervisor, who is unsupportive. Meanwhile, my anxiety climbs higher each day. I don’t feel heard or understood. And on top of this there is a very ill-conceived on-call rotation plan which has suddenly been introduced into our lives by the same supervisor.

But I am saying “No” in two ways:

  1. First I am questioning the on-call plan with HR
  2. I am job searching

While these are long processes of saying “No”, they are still worth pursuing if there will be less anxiety and depression in the long run. Of course, to me – an introvert – these paths in and of themselves are very difficult but I need to minimize the harming expectations and environment of my work life.

The reminder and encouragement to say “No” to injury and self-harm in this morning’s class was definitely timely and well received by me.
Namaste.

Photo by Elina Fairytale on Pexels.com