In talking with my new mental health provider last week, the topic of self-judgement came up in our conversation. It seems as though I have a very difficult relationship with myself. I mean, if I make mistakes, or do something embarrassing, I tend to beat myself up a bit. She suggested that I read a book called, I Hate Myself: Overcome Self-Hatred and Realize Why You’re Wrong About You by Dr. Blaise Aguirre. Maybe it’s an interesting read but the idea that I hate myself is a little extreme. Isn’t it?
Yes, I grew up with controlling and critical parents. It seems that love was pretty conditional. It depended on the right behavior, the right grades, how we made them look to society. My sister was the smart one, the one who skipped a grade, the one who was good at math. I was quiet, I was shy, I was not good at math. I was compared to my sister a lot. Teachers told my mother that I day-dreamed. That was considered a bad thing. Being myself seemed like not enough. So I figured I could not be myself and also be loved. Weirdly enough, she did say on very rare occasions that I should just be myself. Then, of course, I would be very confused. So I changed how I was and sometimes it seemed like it worked and sometimes it didn’t. I just kept trying to morph into someone worthy of approval that would never come. I guess that was how my GAD came to be part of me.
And when I started dating I had no idea who I was. I hated dating and being in relationships because I felt even more like I had to change and adapt into someone I thought would be lovable. And most of the time, it was a guy who was not at all appropriate for me anyway. But did I realize that? No. I always thought that something was wrong with me.
Another book recommended to me was Unwinding Anxiety by Dr. Judson Brewer. I listened to the book on Audible over the last week or so. I really liked his idea of practicing Loving Kindness. I think this speaks to me as someone who practices yoga. It’s a mindfulness practice that can be used as a meditation. First you practice Loving Kindness with yourself by repeating a few phrases:
May I be safe.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I accept myself just as I am.
So, I’ve started trying to repeat these phrases to myself – especially when I am having a hard time at work – or if I feel criticized or judged by someone or myself. Eventually, you practice by including other people in the phrases.
To be honest, just being aware of how much I have been judging myself over the years has impacted my life quite a bit over the last few weeks. I feel like I can finally stop striving and beating myself up all the time. It really is OK to be myself, to make mistakes, and just take it easy. I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to worry about whether people love me if I did or did not do something right. As long as I am OK with me then it doesn’t matter. Not that this is easy. It is after all a mindfulness practice.
I wish I knew how hard I was being on myself all these years. I wish I realized how much I was chasing approval to feel loved. I wish I had felt worthy of love just for being me and being alive. My parents gave me everything I needed to survive in life. I am grateful for that of course. I just wish they had been a bit warmer. A bit more sensitive to my own sensitivity. But they weren’t so I now have to learn to accept me for me and have patience and compassion for myself no matter what I do.
May I accept myself just as I am.
microyogi 